Restaurant Sides

In some neighborhoods, restaurants be like: "Our sides are french fries, baked potato, baked sweet potato, fruit cup, or steamed veggies; for an extra dollar we'll make it a loaded baked potato!"

In my neighborhood: "Sides are french fries, hot wings, or both."

Going to the dentist

When you're about to go to the dentist and think: "Should I even brush and floss my teeth right now? I mean, they're getting paid to clean it all anyway... Who am I trying to impress? Is this like when I clean my house before the cleaning person comes over? Or when I debate whether or not to use the good underwear in case I get in an accident and have to go to the hospital?"

Is this blood?

When you find a deep crimson stain on your arm, and it's a little "scabby" and you think...

Is this blood?...

And then you think...

Is this jelly?...

And then you try to remember when you last showered versus when you last had a PB&J...

(I would like to point out, that for artists, focusing mental energy on remembering when one last showered is considered a waste of said VALUABLE mental energy. Seriously. I'm not even kidding. Not even kidding. Wait, why did you swipe left on my Tinder profile?)

Hello, attractive new follower on social media...

When you get to be my age and you see someone new has followed you on social media, and they are extremely attractive, you completely and totally understand that it's actually some Russian guy trying to get access to your personal information or some Liberian lawyer trying to introduce you to his cousin, a Nigerian prince.

I just wish there was some way to just post a sign on a "door" for them to see that I've actually seen my bank account, and it's not actually worth even following me on social media to get access to...

Unst, unst, unst

What did I do tonight? I taught a 3 year-old and a 4 year-old how to "party boy" dance....

unst, unst, unst, unst, unst, wub, wub, wub